Over the past several months I have come to understand that "mindfulness", defined in the Buddhist tradition as "meditatively and without judgement paying attention to the present moment", also means (at least for me) "meditatively and without judgement paying attention to what has come before." That is, not to be harnessed by the past, crippled by it, but simply to observe it, acknowledge it, at best learn from it, and at worst simply move on. Paying mindful attention to one's past is something of a conundrum: how can one be mindful of the past and still remain fully present?
The key, I believe, lays in the aspect of being non-judgemental, passively observing your own history. The problem for most of us arises when we allow ourselves to become emotionally attached -- either positively or negatively -- to these past events, situations, or behaviors.
You might ask: how can I not be emotionally attached to these things? Only when we come to realize that past events (1) have no inherent power other than that we grant it, (2) have no control over us other than that we allow, (3) do not define who we are can we view them without passion or attachment and see them for what they are -- a series of former Nows. We did what we did, said, what we said, thought what we thought, and behaved in a manner that we felt best served us at that time. But the past is no more; so to continue to be tied irrevocably to the emotions of the past is to become its prisoner, and to deny the very essence of who we are.
The point? Every life changes every day; every night we die to the old and we are reborn to the new each morning. To be hamstrung by past situations, no matter how grand or infinitesimal, no matter what they are, makes no sense. We make excuse after excuse (disguised as rational reasons, of course) to justify our position: "I am the way I am because: my parents abused me ... I was raped ... I was picked on in school ... my husband/wife left me ... I came from a poor neighborhod ..." on and on, ad infinitum, ad nauseum. The fact is, those are things that happened to you; they are not who you are. Who you are transcends circumstances and events, unles you alone choose otherwise. That is important: we choose who we are.
Allow me to pause briefly and say several things: (1) I am not trivializing the significance of any past event, especially those of a traumatic nature; God knows there have been enough of those in my own life. They are important in that they provide a reference point, a central focus from which to choose -- yes, choose -- to either become paralyzed or to build and say, "This will never happen again." (2) even in the absence of huge, life-altering traumatic events, many people take events that are far smaller in scale and conciously or unconciously blow them up, attaching far greater importance than they deserve. They use them to justify present behavior, or to elicit sympathy from others. This is a manifestation of the ego, not one's authentic self, (3) again ... what happens to you does not by default define who you are.
Some lives change in ways that are smooth and subtle, in a manner not easily discernable to the casual observer. Others -- like, oh, my own, for instance -- are more volcanic, undergoing protracted periods of great upheaval and turmoil before settling into mere chaos. Mildly stated, my life -- especially over the last decade -- might best and only half joking described as "convulsive." The highlights, in no particular order, include: divorce, multiple career changes, personal and family health issues, a business failure, financial hardships, a long bout with depression, threats of suicide, the breakup of a long-term relationship, a return to school in my mid-40s, graduating with an Associate's Degree in Medical assisting, more schooling and the decision to pursue my Registered Nurse degree, and finally finding new love with the Lovely Shirley (yes, that Shirley ... she of the blind date, lo, those many months ago -- more on that next time -- see the post "Sailing the Wind"). With so many ups and downs life, then, has been anything but dull. There is enough "negativity" (if I am being judgemental about it; otherwise "negativity" isn't negative, it just Is) in my past to hold me emotionally hostage for the rest of my life ... were I to allow it. And honestly there have been occasions when I have done just that.
This is my life. It is no different from any other life in that we all have a story, a past. As I have explored mindfulness and meditation and have begun to learn to live more in the present, I have been able, with greater frequency, to let go of the ego's desperate clinging to those emotional traps.
Letting go of the past is like being freed from shackles; being fully in the present moment is like breathing pure, sweet, fresh air.
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