A Note to a Dear Friend

"A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valley than to those who inhabit the mountain?" -- Kahlil Gibran

Where are you now? I wonder. What are you doing at this very moment? Could it be that you, too, are looking out your window at the cold, steady, November rain and thinking of me as I am of you?

Dare I hope?

How is it that two disparate souls with so much in common, with so many similar thoughts, ideas, and emotions -- yet with differences enough to intrigue and attract -- can wander aimlessly through most of their lives, each blissfully unaware of the other? And yet how can these same souls then converge for only the briefest of time, as fleeting as a meteor streaking through the dome of night, each leaving such an indelible impression on the other?

Do you even know what you have come to mean to me? I hesitate to call you "friend" because the label, as mere as it is, cannot hope to contain the definition in my heart. Of you, my dear friend, I can say only this: your presence in my life has left me profoundly changed for the better. For what more could I possibly ask?

"Once in a lifetime" ... it is a phrase that has become time-worn; yet it fits when describing the kinship I feel with you, my good, dear friend. You have no idea of the enormity of the gift that you have given me -- the gift of simply knowing you.

You once said that your goal was to make me forget a certain longstanding pain. While I fear that I may never forget, you succeeded in taking away the sting.

"Are you still there? Of course you are ... I can hear you echoing through the corridors of my heart." – Me

You never lose the closest friends. They are always there, whether in sun or in shadow, whether in fog or in rain; they are only but a breath away. All you ever need do is reach out and they are there.

A walk along the streets of summer. Late night conversations until you drifted into fitful sleep. Your laughter. My laughter. How good it felt to laugh again ... like stepping into the sun after a long winter. These are my memories of you.

Life is much fuller for having known you, and far, far emptier in your absence.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.” --Gloria Naylor

In your time of need, I am here. I will support you, unconditionally, in whatever you choose to do. I am a shoulder to lean on; an ear to listen; or simply a comforting memory if you become lost. I am here for how long and in whatever capacity you need. Day by day, every day.

My only wish is for your happiness, for you to find your destination at the end of whatever road you travel. For you to finally reach that space where you can say, “Here I am. I am home.”

For who you are … for what you have done … for all that you have given … for everything that you mean, I thank you from the bottom of this wounded heart.

The pinot grigio awaits your glass.

"Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends." -- Richard Bach

Right Now ...

What is the future but an illusion? What is the past but a shadow? The former is unknowable; the latter is unchangeable.

All we have is the present. Now. This exact moment.

A friend of mine once said that we live in a world that is so chaotic, so hectic, so concerned with motion and hell-bent on moving forward, and so speculative about what might happen that we ignore what is happening; that there is never a Now. Most of us live so much in the future that Now is merely a stepping stone to next. We overlook the bounty of what we have in favor of what we desire. We microwave in minutes meals that once took our grandmothers an afternoon to prepare; not because we wish to enjoy the food sooner, but because the faster we eat, the faster we can move on to the next thing. The paradox is that when that "next" arrives, it becomes "now" and we barrel through it as well. It is a pursuit that never ends.

For me, there is but a single truth that I need to know about my future: someday, hopefully far off on that distant horizon, I will die.

Until that time, the only matter of consequence is what I choose to do with each successive Now.

Meditation

Eyes close. Breath rises and falls in an easy, surf-like rhythm. One by one, muscles loosen and relax. Internal voices slowly recede into silence. The mind calms and lifts, riding on ever deepening breaths. Stress melts. Heart and Spirit expand, moving outward and upward into the Universe, until all that remains is peace.

This is meditation.

This is also the process by which I was finally able to reclaim a semblance of control over the train wreck that was my former life. That quality -- control -- is the single most significant factor in my ongoing recovery. It is a terible feeling when one percieves that they have no control over their own life.

There is a common perception in the West that in order to find purpose, meaning, or value in life we must look beyond ourselves. While there may be merit in that, I subscribe to a somewhat more Eastern point of view in that we must first recognize that we are purposeful ... meaningful ... and valuable in and of ourselves, without need for external validation, simply because we are. In my opinion, the Western view tends to remove us from events and situations, placing us apart and in the position of a spectator; it is almost victim-like in its perspective of control: things happen to us.

For me, though, the Eastern approach makes more sense: things do not happen to us; they happen through us. We are an inseperable part of the flow. Initially, I had a difficult time grasping -- let alone accepting -- that concept; years of blaming circumstances and other people for all the ills in my life had left me highly resistant to the idea that I alone was responsible for who and what I had become.

I know so many people who, like I once did, push off their career failures on the boss or co-worker who is out to get them ... blame their divorce, seperation, or relationship break up totally on their partner ... reason that their drug or alcohol addiction is because of stress ... fault society for their criminal record ... and blame their generally shitty state of affairs on anyone or anything but themselves.

Yes, of course, forces outside of ourselves are always acting upon us, but these forces NEVER cause our behaviour -- we do.

"When you become a warrior you learn to meditate in every action." -- Nick Nolte as Socrates, from the film adaptation of Dan Millman's book, Peaceful Warrior

Meditation brought me out of spectatorship and, by directing my attention inward, placed me in the moment, clarified my personal responsibility for my life. At first, this was a daunting realization -- no, it was terrifying -- because it removed the convenience of blaming someone else. Once I surmounted that hurdle, however, I felt an incredible sense of liberation; no longer did I give my power away; I alone -- no one else -- was in control. That was enlightening. But not entirely correct.

"You don't surrender your dreams, Dan. You surrender the one thing you never had and you never will: control. Accept that you don't control what will happen to you." -- Nick Nolte as Socrates from the film adaptation of Dan Millman's book, Peaceful Warrior

Ultimately control is an illusion; we can no more control what happens to us than we can control the rising and setting of the sun. The only thing that we can control is what we do about it in this moment. That acceptance is where the real power lays. And daily meditative practice was the gateway through which it entered my life.

My meditation is dictated by any number of factors -- my mood, my goals, the time of day, location, even the weather. There are as many meditations, and as many methods of meditating as there are people who meditate. I regularly practice several types, among them:

MINDFULNESS -- I particularly like the definition put forth by John Kabat-Zinn, founder of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program at the University of Massachussetts Medical Center. He said,

"Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgementally."

Beautiful ... in the present moment ... after all, all we really have is right now. Why waste it? And yet, all of us are guilty of it at times. Our lives are complex; our times are materialistic, ambitious, ego-driven, and outer-directed. We have forgotten how to see, how to listen, to be in touch with our own heart, our own Spirit, and the flow of life. No matter what we are doing -- from work, to school, to making love with our partner -- our minds are constantly being pulled in a thousand different directions, and we are disconnected from the Now.

Mindfulness is a concious, purposeful direction of our awareness to whatever we are experiencing at the moment -- whether it is simply breathing, a particular emotion, a meal that we are eating, a conversation, an argument, sex, anything. Therefore, mindfullness does not have to be constrained to a formal meditation session. Because it requires no equipment, no uniform, no special conditions, any activity done mindfully -- that is aware without judgement -- becomes a meditation unto itself.

For example, if you find yourself caught in the rain, instead of cursing your luck or the weather (about which you can do nothing anyway) take a moment to feel the rain ... to feel each individual drop on your face ... to hear its sound as it strikes the ground ... to smell it around you. Just stop. Let go of whatever distracting thoughts crowd your busy mind, turn your face to the sky and, simply ... let it rain.

You can do this if you are washing the dishes ... watching television ... preparing a meal ... doing your taxes ... or sitting in a room alone.

"All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." -- Pascal

Mindfulness has been one of the most significant methods for me in overcoming and managing depression. Now, when it hits, instead of allowing one negative thought to spiral into another, until they threaten to crush me under their weight, I simply ... let it rain. I am aware of the thoughts, the emotions; I feel them but form no attachment to them. They come into my head, I acknowledge their presence, and I let them go, like passing strangers on the street. Like drops of rain, they slide away; and like rain, the depression passes. The depression will always be there, but being mindful makes it bearable.

CANDLE -- I sit in a dark or semi-darkened room on a comfortable cushion, chair, or folded blanket on the floor. Any candle will do but I prefer the long tapered kind. I start by lighting the candle (duh). Then I settle into a comfortable posture and, closing my eyes, take several slow, deep breaths to clear the mind and, starting at the top of my head and moving downward, focus on relaxing every muscle group one by one. After several minutes, and upon starting to enter a state of deep relaxation, I slowly open my eyes to focus on the the candle flame. The "goal", such as it is, of the meditation is to follow the flickering of the candle flame, to project into the flame, all the while following my breath and releasing any errant thoughts that come to mind.

SITTING -- I prefer solitude when sitting in meditation, but it can be done virtually anywhere, at any time. For that reason, this is the easiest and most convenient meditation for me to perform. I have even meditated in a classroom full of students during between-class breaks at school. I begin by assuming the most comfortable posture possible -- if I am alone, half-lotus; back straight but relaxed; the backs of my hands resting lightly on my knees; or kneeling in a "Zen posture", with a seiza, pillow, or cushion tucked under my butt; back straight; head slightly bowed; tongue resting against the roof of the mouth; hands folded in my lap; the fingers of the right hand restling on the fingers of my left; thumbs lightly touching and forming an "O". If I am in public -- as in the aforementioned classroom -- I sit upright in my chair, back straight, head bowed, hands in the "Zen position" described above. I close my eyes, breathing deeply, evenly, and slowly, relaxing each muscle group as before. As I relax, I enter the second phase of the meditation: this is the deeper, almost trance-like aspect of the exercise. I count breaths throughout, beginning "1" on the first inhale; hold briefly; "1" again on the exhale; and repeat throughout the meditation. With each breath my mind goes deeper and deeper. Thoughts come and I allow them to go, keeping my focus always on my breath. The goal is to clear the mind of all distractions ... all thoughts ... to simply breathe and to be.

So there you have it, my practice of meditation. It is not orthodox, written in stone, or derived from any particular discipline. But it works. And it has kept me sane and off prescription medications for about the last year.

I would like to hear your stories ... of your meditative practices ... of how you cope with depression ... your perceptions of this blog and what it offers ... of how you use mindfullness in your lives ... and just of your feelings on life in general.

Until then, be mindful of yourselves, and of others.

Soul Mates

“People can leave each other, cross continents, sever ties. But if they are meant to be together, then time and distance dissolve, and they are reunited.” -- Yitta Halberstam & Judith Leventhal, Small Miracles

Once, long ago, a lifetime, or yesterday, an ancient voice whispered, “I am your Soul Mate.”

We are born with a hole in our heart in the shape of our one significant other, our Soul Mate. Love is truly all that matters; it is the final piece in the puzzle that is our life, without which we remain incomplete. We spend the majority of our lives searching – consciously or unconsciously – for the One who fills that hole completely and seamlessly. They are out there. Sometimes our orbits come close, within a whisper of contact, almost there, yet gaps remain; other times we remain lifetimes apart. The search is often long and difficult, carrying us over unfamiliar and sometimes rocky terrain in our own heart. We grow weary of the games, of dancing around the edges, of the search itself and so we compromise, settling for the one who closest fills the hole instead of waiting for the One. We do this because we are lonely, or impatient, or simply because it is easier; and it is easier because we convince ourselves over time that, having chased after smoke and shadow for so long, if we haven’t found our Soul Mate yet perhaps we never will. We would do anything, including stopping short of our One True Love, to avoid the despair of being alone.

And yet, in my heart, I believe that our Soul Mates are out there, waiting. Or could they be engaged in a search of their own … looking for us? Some of us may be lucky: we find that elusive Other with whom our very souls are aligned for eternity. Still, others among us are deceived, though perhaps not deliberately: we may find someone we genuinely care for, even love, and yet there may remain a grain of doubt and we go on asking, “Is this the One? Is this the love of my lifetime?” And so again, we settle for what we feel may be the closest we may ever come to our ideal; we settle for comfort, safety, routine, and partial love instead of inviting risk and passionately pursuing the all abiding, life-encompassing Love that we so richly deserve and that awaits us, hidden just around some corner. We luxuriate in the familiar because it is familiar. Within our hearts continues to beat a distant longing, an age-old knowing that not only must there be more but that without doubt there is more and that it is real. For any question there is also an answer; when you find your Soul Mate doubt vanishes; there is only an ancient knowledge that there are many levels, many shadings of love. And while you may love the one you are with … well, lowercase “love” is not the Love that stirs to the deepest part of ourselves, and to love is not the same as to be in Love. With our Soul Mate we are more fully ourselves than at any other time in our life because they are quite literally the missing piece of ourselves. We are at last complete. They fit the shape of our heart. The truth is that the heart is never wrong, and it sees clearly that which is invisible to the eye; it understands more assuredly than the brain. Every step … every passing moment … every doomed relationship … or failed marriage has inexorably drawn us closer and closer to this one person … and in turn, lead them to us. A grand design, it leads to this: Apart, the two are but mere fractions; together, each filling the other’s heart, they cease to be simply two, apart, becoming One. Forever joined in Spirit and Soul. Inseparable. Even if they are driven apart by distance or circumstance, there beats in the heart of the one the soul of the other.

In a feeling that approaches the Spiritual, we are aware at our core, maybe even down to the atoms that make up our bodies, that that missing element of ourselves, our Soul Mate is most certainly out there. Funny thing, though, the harder we look the more difficult it seems they are to find. The paradox: we search by letting go, we draw nearer by releasing, we find by not looking. And they find us when and maybe where we least expect.

It is with our Soul Mate that we truly reveal – perhaps for the first or only time – who we really are, the best and worst parts of ourselves, honestly, with no veneer. Together, we are able to weather the fiercest storms of life, yet whose absence causes storms within. Only with our Soul Mate can we feel … experience … know … live True, life-changing Love.

Soul Mates are forever bound, a fragile spider web weaving throughout separate existences, leading one to the other … eternal … each a dream, a hope in the shape of the other’s heart … destined.

“When Love beckons to you, follow him, though his voice may shatter your dreams.” – Anonymous

“When Love is strong and runs deep, it pulsates with an energy that cannot be stopped, not even by death’s grip. When two souls are connected and then separated, the separation may seem final, but in truth the relationship transcends time. Love, like a river, flows eternal and it embraces all who swim in its waters.” -- Yitta Halberstam & Judith Leventhal, Small Miracles

“Death cannot stop true love; all it can do is delay it a little while.” – Westly to Princess Buttercup, The Princess Bride