Choices

"A kid knows what he wants to be before he's 9 or 10: cowboys, clowns, men of war, or someone else's friend. But 9 grows into big boy's pants and then to scars and pain. 20's fast and hard as nails, but never comes again." -- John Denver

I like John Denver's music and I felt that those lyrics from one of his earliest tunes, "Pegasus", were not only the perfect way to start this blog, but sum up quite nicely the process of change that I, like most people, have undergone in my life. I have spent a great deal of time (maybe too much) reflecting on those changes, their significance and meaning, recording them in my offline journal, and now here.

I tend to ask myself alot of reflective questions: "How did my life get from THERE (wherever "there" may be) to HERE (wherever "here" may be)?", "How did I go from being who and what I once was to who and what I am?", "How is it that I could go from successful businessman running a full-time Martial Arts studio that served literally thousands of students over its 16 year lifespan, to working in a convenience store?", "From $5.00/hr. + commission salesman in a retail menswear store to store manager in 7 months ... to losing it all in the blink of an eye?", "From married man ... to divorced father?", "From meeting and falling in love with the woman who I believe to be my soulmate ... to losing her?", "From graduating high school a quarter of a century ago ... to full-time student at 44 years of age?"

They're strong questions, valid questions. But they are not unique to me; we all ask ourselves similar questions, or I'd like to think we do. I have long believed that everything happens for a reason (yep, I'm one of THOSE people), if only to teach us something. In asking the hard questions, in casting a critical eye on the things I've done, or haven't done, I try to leave judgements of "good" or "bad" out of it, to simply see what is. Sometimes, looking back over it all, I marvel and say, "Wow, what a journey!" Other times I can only shake my head, completely baffled and say, "WTF?"

The philospher, Socrates, on trial for the heresy of advising his students to actively question the accepted beliefs of the time (the punishment for which was death!) and to, therefore, think for themselves, said in his defense, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

Our lives are the sum total of the choices we make. We are defined by our choices. We are who we are because of them. I truly believe that we are exactly where we are in our lives -- joyous or miserable -- because that is where we choose to be; if we wanted to be anywhere else, we would have chosen differently. That is our power. Whenever I have discussed this concept, someone invariably says something like, "What if I was crossing the street and was hit by a car and crippled? You aren't saying I chose that are you?" Maybe not ... or maybe so. I would ask: "Did you cross the street with the proper light? At the proper spot? Did you rush headlong into traffic with little or no regard for your safety or the safety of others? Were you too busy yakking on the cell phone to pay attention to your environment?" If any of those things are true, then yes, I would argue that in a very real way your own actions -- your choices -- culminated in your being at the place at that time with that end result. You may not have specifically chosen to be struck by a car, but you chose every element leading up to it. Assuming , though, that everything was as it should be, every factor neatly in place, and you followed all the "rules", did everything you were supposed to do, perhaps you didn't choose that particular fate ... but something did. Regardless of whether the event occured by synchronicity, by design or human error, you are still presented with a choice. Even when circumstances are seemingly beyond our control, when they seem to choose us, we choose how to interpret them; we alone discern their meaning.

We choose our ACTIONS or our REACTIONS. We choose based solely on two factors: (1) The desire to gain pleasure or, (2) the desire to avoid pain. Of the two, I have found the second to be the stronger by far.

To illustrate: Years ago, I read an interview with two men, brothers whose lives had taken markedly different paths. One was a convicted felon w/ a lengthy arrest record for everything from petty theft to sexual assault and armed robbery. The other was a community leader, successful businessman, a deacon in his church with a stable, loving family. Both grew up in the same house, attended the same school, associated with the same people. Both had the same abusive father, the same distant, alcoholic mother. Both watched a father drift in and out of prison for multiple drug-related offenses, finally dying of a heroin overdose. Both watched a mother slowly succumb to the ravages of cirrhosis of the liver. How is it that two men of the same blood could turn out so vastly different? Because they chose to. When asked that same question they ironically gave the same answer: "With a family like that, how could I be anything else?"

They chose. We choose. Every day.

We are our choices. Nothing more, nothing less. Some folks may say, "Yeah. So?" But for me that realization was a staggering revelation, an awakening, a smaller scale version of what Buddhists might call satori (enlightenment). It was a very powerful moment; it meant that I was the chief architect of my own success or failure. It meant that I was a slave to no person, idea, or situation. It meant that for better or worse I was in control. It meant that I am greater than the involuntary constraints placed upon me by family. It meant that I am greater than my environment.

But it also meant that (HOLY CRAP!) I am not a victim and I could no longer make lame excuses or assign blame when shit inevitably went wrong. If I was a success, it was because of the choices I made. If my life was the Titanic it was because I was the captain (lovely little metaphor). External forces -- such as my home life, my teachers, my ex-wife, poor finances, my upbringing, or worst of all -- the anonymous "THEY" -- could no longer be blamed. You know who "THEY" are, don't you? "Every time I try to get ahead ... THEY keep me down or ... THEY have it in for me" Blah, blah, bullshit. In the words of former President Harry S. Truman: "The buck stops here." (I LOVE quotes, you'll all find thatout soon).

What an absolutely liberating concept: I control my destiny with my choices. It is, I have found, a concept to which people often give lip service but, in point of fact, truly scares the shit out of them. After all, it is far easier to pass blame to some faceless, nameless external cause or to a specific person or institution that "has it in for us" than it is to own our own messy and chaotic lives. I think it's human nature; I've done it myself. But, while other people, things, and institutions, may be involved in any given situation, I ultimately claim responsibility ... or at least my fair share of it. After all, as the cliche goes: "It takes two to tango." And that thinking works for me. Keeps me clear. Focused. And grounded. It empowers me rather than victimizes me.

So here's the deal: before I get any more long-winded with this thing, let me just say that this blog is going to be an outlet of sorts. It will deal with the peaks and valleys of my life ... and the choices I made that lead up to them,and, hopefully, the lessons learned along the way. In the words once again of John Denver: "Some days are diamonds, some days are stone." They will all be here. Writing this will be simultaneously reflective and therapeutic. Those friends that follow me here may learn one or two new things about me ... (or confirm some existing suspicions :) ) Try not to judge too harshly. Also, anyone who reads this: please feel free to comment; all I ask is that we be respectful to one another. Fair enough?

That said ... I am looking forward to you joining me on this "Mindful Journey."